There's too much crap going on again lately.
I've got the boyfriend who totally stiffed me on Mother's Day and doesn't seem to interested in fixing it.
I've got an ex-husband who seems to think that he's going to win everything and brainwash my kids so that if the GAL talks to them they're going to say that they don't want to be around me anymore.
I've got a doctor who's a complete ass. When something hurts you jerk, that doesn't mean you keep pushing as hard as you can until I pass out. He had me in tears by the time I left.
My bestfriend and I drive all the way downtown to court (yes, today was another fucking court date) just to find out that we drove down there for nothing. My lawyer decided he was going to cancel it and didn't even bother to call and let me know. Why did he cancel it? Because jerk wad can't come to an agreement with me on placement of Z & G.
It's getting to the point again that I'm just ready to give it all up. It's not worth it anymore. My kids are treating me like crap because "he" is doing his best to make sure that they hate me and don't want to be around me anymore. I can't take it. I'm not seeing an end in sight and that's starting to scare the shit out of me.
I just want this to all be over!! I can't take much more. If I could do things all over again, I never would've slept with him when I was 18 (which is what got me pregnant with Z). If I wouldn't have gotten pregnant, I wouldn't have gotten married. Don't get me wrong. I'm glad Z & G are around, but I wish it would've been under completely different circumstances. I wish it would've been when I was older and with someone I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Not with some jerk who was going to treat me like complete shit and do nothing when it came to take care of the kids unless he absolutely had too.
Knowing what I do now and after going through what I'm going through, I would've done a lot of things different 7 years ago. But I can't change the past, so I have to do my best to fix the mistakes I made and hope that everything will work out.
But how much more shit is someone supposed to take before it's ok to throw in the towel?
You lied to me tonight and I can tell. How you ask? Because I know that Z & G want to call and talk to me while they're with you. They call you when they're with me. Why won't you allow them to call me too? Especially since I'm not seeing them every day with Z being off of school the last couple of days. I'm not going to play this fucking game anymore. It's plan and simple. If you're not going to allow them to call me every day, then I don't have to allow them to call you every day. It's works both ways you ass. I know that Z knows my number and I know that he knows how to use a phone, so stop being a fucking jerk to me and allow them to call me.
So today you came home early and crawled into bed with me. That was cool and all. It was what happened later when I was getting ready to leave for court. You asked what was going on for today. I told you all my plans and then asked what you had planned. You said you needed to go to the dump to empty your truck.
Then I casually mentioned that maybe you would go and get flowers today too since all my spring wildflowers are now in bloom. You kind of huffed at me.
"You don't plan on fixing what happened on Sunday do you?", I asked.
"Yeah. When I get the time.", you said.
"Do you even realize that you didn't even say anything to me on that day?" I asked.
Your jaw dropped. "I didn't?!", you replied.
"Nope." The next comment is what really got to me.
"Are you trying to make me feel bad?", you responded.
"Not at all. Just wanted you to realize what you didn't do."
Now I come home a couple of hours later and you're crabby. Was it what I said or is there something else going on? Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? If I am, please tell me, but I think I have a right to be upset and hurt. How could you totally forget about me on Sunday? You're right, I shouldn't expect to get something everytime there's a holiday, but a card or a flower or some small gesture would've been just fine. I'm not asking for some huge extravagant gift every time something comes up. Just some small gesture would've been fine.
I love you and I know you didn't mean any harm, but the longer this continues the more hurt and upset I'm becoming. I wish you'd understand what went wrong and at least make some attempt to fix it, but I'm not seeing that you want to and I can't understand why. Maybe I will eventually, but right now, I just see you as being childish about the whole situation and that's something I definitely don't understand.
Hate Life...Lately, I hate my life. Work pisses me off. Kids constantly hurting me. Ex still being a complete jerk. I've only got 2 things in my life right now that are helping me "stick" around. That's my best friend and my boy friend. I think if I didn't have them, I probably wouldn't be here anymore. Who cares about what I've done for the kids. They don't give a shit. They just continue to stomp on my feelings and treat my like shit. Why continue to stick around for them? They're not grateful for the situation I've taken them out of.
Lately, I just don't see what the point is to anything anymore. It's all just a waste of fucking time and time is something I just don't have a lot of anymore.
RegretBecause of something I said a year ago, not intentionally, I got screwed today. A year ago today, we just started dating, so it wasn't expected of you to do something for me on my special day, but you did because you wanted too. You're right!! I did say that Z & G weren't your kids so you didn't have to bother, but that's because we had only be dating for about 1 month. I was very happy with getting flowers and a card, but it wasn't expected. I was so grateful that someone had made the effort to make that day special for me even though I had just started my divorce.
Now, a year later I'm eating my own words that were taken the wrong way. You figured, why bother. They're not my kids, so I don't need to worry about doing something special for my girl on her special day. There's wasn't even a small gesture, let alone an acknowledgement for this special day. The part that really hurts me is the fact that you did something for H (who isn't even in your life except that you have A together) and totally neglected me. So now that I said something 365 days ago, I'm going to regret it for the rest of my life. I can pretty much be guaranteed that this day is always going to suck.
The sad part is that even though I mentioned to you how I felt about this day, you didn't make any extra effort to try to correct it. You just let it pass and now it's hurting me more and more every day that goes by without any apology or recognition for this day.
If I would've know that what I said a year ago was going to turn into this, I never would've said anything. I just hope that I'm not going to regret this for the rest of my life.
